Free Steve Jobs!

Looks like Da Man met with The Man, and emerged with shining colors.

Apple Chief Executive Steve Jobs was questioned by U.S. investigators last week about stock options backdating at the company, a person close to the situation told CNBC's Mary Thompson.

The company behind the popular iPod digital media player has said it was under investigation by the U.S. Department of Justice and the Securities and Exchange Commission for its past option-grant practices.

CNBC's Jim Goldman said that people he talked to don't expect anything to come from Jobs meeting with investigators. In fact, it seems even the probe by government officials may just end up "going away," he added.

Phew, that government case sounded ridiculous. But nevertheless, I used some Jack Bauer methods of persuasion, and was able to get my hands on a copy of the Jobs interview transcript.

Q: Name?

a: Steve Jobs

Q: Occupation?

A: Master of the Universe.

Q: Why does your shirt sound like Incubus?

A: Ah, it's the ring on my new I-Phone, can I take this?

Q: Sure, but make it quick.

A: (Talking into phone) "I said SELL ON A SCALE, 10G every 25 cents or so .... I know I know, I can do the math...... You're telling ME how much stock I own? I may put my pants on one leg at a time, but when I do, I invent I-Stuff...... Gotta go.

I'm back.

Q: OK, let's get started. As I understand it, your contention is that you returned to Apple for a salary of $1.

A: Yes, this is my true love. Money is not important (Phone rings, sounds like Coldplay, Steve answers) "Yeah, put a Dime on the Colts. What do you mean you got pennied in the stock? How are the puts? ....Wow, that's some skew in the OTM's? Let's stick to ATM's, I hate paying up for gamma. That time decay eats you alive ..... anyway, gotta hop.

Sorry.

Q: And as I am to understand it, you are unfamiliar with the ins and outs of your options package.

A: That is correct. Apple Inc. ran an in depth investigation of yours truly and has determined that there is no proof that I know anything about it. (Phone rings...it's Barry Manilow's Mandy.....
You bought LEAPS instead? Do you have the slightest understanding of vega? Do you know what happened to volatility in 2000? ..... Gotta go .... and don't call me back unless it's a fill on some of these Febs."

Sorry. And apologies for the ring tone. My phone automatically downloaded it while I was watching Idol last year.

Q: And it did not strike you as odd that you were handed options at the low price each quarter.

A: Like I said, I really do not follow the complexities of options. Math just isn't my thing; it's all Greek to me (yuk yuk). Phone rings "OK great, filled on the Feb puts. 33 Volatility in Feb, with the stock still moving around and all this news out there. Now we can get in there and flip some stock ......I know I know .... you don't think I can still calculate a standard deviation in my head. Later"

Q: OK. But then why the need to fake a board meeting that never happened?

A: Never is a relative term. Have you not the basic understanding of Quantum Physics? Read some Michael Crichton before you talk to me. I am assured the meeting did in fact occur on one of the theoretically infiite parallel universes we track.

Q: Fair enough. Well you have answered my questions satisfactorily. I would be surprised if we have to contact you again.

A: Great. And is there a better hot spot than this? I still have 30 minutes until the close.